Friday Dog Funnies - Friday the 13th!

[Tawmass]

The Top 20 Reasons Black Dogs Do Not Use Computers...

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows XP.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon is very frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www . pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause black dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, scaredy cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, SCAN and CHKDSK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Do Not Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. [Black dog toes have a hard time hitting proper keys]

[Bonnie Meadowes]

You also grow old when you stop laughing
I reserved space 63 Hemlock Meadows this morning, you should have my entry by now, I am going to try something totally new this year, a bike with rings and valves that seal and give compression, and an airfilter that breaths. With this new combo... Lookout Danno, now I can get way more lost farther and faster than ever before... Yes !!!
Print neatly or risk death

Important Thoughts on Beer!

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all
of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be
out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better
to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and
worry about my liver."
--Babe Ruth

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his foolish friends.
-- Ernest Hemingway

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Paul Hornung


24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not.
-- H.L. Mencken


When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go
to heaven!
-- George Bernard Shaw

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

-- Dave Barry

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.

-- W.C. Fields


Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

-- Professor Irwin Corey



To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation In A Can!

-- Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his
buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can
only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human
brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive
intake of alcohol, as we know, kill brain cells. But naturally, it
attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain
a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter
after a few beers.

African safari
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her
faithful aged (BLACK DOG) poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep *poop* now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures
that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

[Bonnie Meadowes]

Never choke in a restaurant in the South...
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"