Motorcycle Humor

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Q. How do Biblical scholars know that King David rode a motorcycle?
A. Because in the Bible, it says that David's Triumph could be heard throughout the land...

Q: What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
A: Sturgis!

Q: How is a Harley Davidson like a Porcupine?
A: Both have pricks on their back.

Q: How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
A: If you leave them alone long enough, they'll both mark their territory.

Q: What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
A: The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

Q: Why do Harley owners have tassels on their handlebars and clothing?
A: To be able to tell if they're moving or not !
Slow Down or Stop?    The police officer had just pulled over a yuppie on a new Harley for running a stop sign.  "May I see your driver's license and registration please..." the officer asked.

"What's the problem, officer?" the yuppie replied.

"You just ran a stop sign." the officer said.

"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a single car anywhere in sight."

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and only then proceed with caution."

"You've got to be kidding me!" the yuppie said.

"It's no joke sir." the officer said flatly, pulling out his citation book and preparing to write a ticket.

"Look I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one, and proceeded with caution."

The officer sighed and slowly shook his head.  "That's beside the point sir, you are supposed to come to a complete stop and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..." the officer began.

"You sure do have a lot of time on your hands pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed this early?" the yuppie asked sneering.

"SIR!" The officer sighed. "I'll over look that last comment now let me see your license and registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." the yuppie said, folding his arms across his chest.

A smile appeared on the officer's face. "Sir, I can do better than that."  The police officer quickly jerked the rude yuppie off his Harley, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.  "Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

Top 10 Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave at Other Motorcyclists.
10) They're way too cool to acknowledge any non-Harley riders.
9) They're too busy daydreaming about owning a real motorcycle.
8) Their engine is too weak to handle the added wind resistance of a waving hand.
7) The Rottie (in back of the pickup truck with the tied down Harley) is easily upset by rapid hand movements.
6) Are you kidding? Risk their lives trying to control a Harley with just one hand!
5) They're too busy humming "Born to be Wild" while fantasizing about being Peter Fonda or Dennis Hopper.
4) They're too busy figuring out how to pay for the next order of genuine Harley accessories (including the "official" HD calculator needed to add up the cost).
3) If we really have to tell you, you won't understand anyway.
2) They can't see you because their half-shell helmet keeps falling down over their eyes.
1) They think we are actually trying to draw their attention to the parts falling off their bikes, and they are sick and tired of it.
The Missionary's Position  A missionary went to an island to teach the natives English. His first student was the tribal chief. The missionary pointed skyward and said "sky".  

The Chief said "sky". 

The missionary pointed to his foot and said "shoe".  

The Chief said "shoe".  

This is great, thought the missionary as the two began walking together.  He's really catching on!  After a few minutes of more such lessons, they went around a bush and saw a man and woman hot and heavy in the throes of passion. The very proper missionary, totally startled and highly embarrassed, nervously said, "Man riding bike".

Instead of responding as he had been, though, the Chief ran up and put his spear through the heart of the man on top of the woman, killing him.

The horrified missionary asked, "What in God's name did you do THAT for?"

The Chief calmly replied, "MY bike!"

Stranded On An Island:   A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.  One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.  He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."  The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."   The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."   Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"
Don't Need A Harley:   On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!  Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.  Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.  Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.  Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!  Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.  The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!  The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.  Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. 

The moral of the story?  When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.
Picked Up By The Fuzz?  A little old lady wants to join a biker club.  She knocks on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.  She proclaims, "I want to join your biker club."

The guy is amused and tells her that she needs to meet certain biker requirements before she is allowed to join. So the biker asks her, "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says, "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asks, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"

The little old lady says, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
Fat Girl & Scooter -  Q: What does a fat girl and a moped have in common?

A: They're both fun to ride, but you don't want to be seen on one!

You Never Know: A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.   Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon....... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Old Dirtbiker Joke: An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a dirt biker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on
Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, gnarliest
hills I can find at the crack of dawn."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's
still alive... he's a dirt biker."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 117 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went dirt bikin' with you this Sunday too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

Bear Joke: Astride his shiny new 125, Frank was thoroughly excited about going riding in the mountains for the first time. After going only a few miles, Frank was surprised to see what appeared to be a half-acre of brown fur just off the trail ahead. Recognizing it as a huge grizzly bear, Frank nailed the throttle hard, hoping to get by before the bear could react. The bear was too quick, though, and with one leap was totally blocking the trail. Frank had no choice but to stop.

"Now that you've disturbed my sleep", said the bear, "you have two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Frightened beyond belief, Frank decided to bend over.

Still sore a week later, Frank vowed revenge. Back to the cycle shop he went, where he traded in the 125 for a hot 250. Soon he was back on the mountain, heading down the trail. It wasn't long at all before he spotted the grizzly again, napping beside the trail. Feeling certain he had the necessary power this time, Frank nailed the throttle and shot ahead. But once again the bear was too quick, and again he blocked the trail. "That was a big mistake, Frank", said the bear. "But, you know the drill. Either I maul you to death or we have sex... rough sex." Fearful for his life, Frank again decided that it would be wise to comply.

This time it took weeks before Frank recovered enough to get around. But still outraged at the bear, he traded in the 250 and got the hottest 500 money could buy before heading back to the mountain. Now he could outrun the bear, and now he'd prove who was the master! And with the faster 500 under him, it took no time at all before he looked ahead and saw the huge grizzly again. Frank lowered his head, down shifted, and confidently nailed the throttle hard, rocketing ahead so quickly he was barely able to hang on. Incredibly, however, the bear was quicker still, and Frank had no choice but to come to a sliding halt in front of the bear now blocking the trail. A chill ran up his spine as he waited for the bear to speak.

"C'mon, Frank", said the bear. "Admit it. You don't come here to trail ride any more, do you?"

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